The mild category he calls the naïve alienators. They are ignorant
of what they are doing and are willing to be educated and change.
The
moderate category is the active alienators. When they are triggered,
they lose control of appropriate boundaries. They go ballistic. When
they calm down, they don't want to admit that they were out of control.
In the severe category are the obsessed alienators or those who are
involved in PAS. They operate from a delusional system where every cell
of their body is committed to destroying the other parent's relationship
with the child.
In the latter case, he notes that we don't have an effective
protocol for treating an obsessed alienator other than removing the
child from their influence.
An important point is that in PAS there is no true parental abuse and/or
neglect on the part of the alienated parent. If this were the case,
the child's animosity would be justified. Also, it is not PAS if the
child still has a positive relationship with the parent, even though
one parent is attempting to alienate the child from him or her.
Which
gender is most likely to initiate PAS?
Gardner's statistics showed that the majority of PAS occurrences were
initiated by mothers. Mothers have traditionally had primary custody
of children (although before the 20th century it normally belonged to
the father), and the mothers usually spend more time with the
children.
In order for a campaign of alienation to occur, one parent
needs to have considerable time with the child. However, in recent years
increasing numbers of fathers have started instigating PAS, since there are few
legal sanctions for doing so.
I've seen
several dramatic cases where the father was the alienator.
In
one case, the father had no control over his obsession to trash the
mother.
Numerous professionals told him, including the mother, that
he could have shared custody if he would be willing to follow the rules.
He didn't have the self-control to do this.
When he lost custody because
of his aberrant behavior, he became a celebrity in the father's
rights movement and took his campaign into national circles. No one
would know from hearing him speak about his situation that there was
serious pathology going on (PAS) or how hard the professionals worked
to stabilize it.
Moreover, in cultures where women traditionally have no tangible rights,
alienation by the father can be severe.
I've met divorcing women who
had been prevented from learning how to make a living to support themselves.
At the time of separation all access to financial resources were stopped
and the children removed from her care. These women reported severe
alienation of affection.
It makes one grateful to have laws that protect
human rights and enforce a better way of resolving conflict than a winner-take
all approach.
How
common is PA and PAS?
When parents first separate there is often parent
alienation. For example,
due to the anxiety of the mother, she is likely to say
indirectly to a child that he or she is not safe with the father.
She might say:
"Call me as soon as you get there to let me know you are okay."
"If you get scared, you call me right away. Okay?"
"I'll come get you if you want to come home."
Usually this level of alienation
dies down after the separating parents get used to changes brought on
by the separation and move on with their lives.
However, in rare cases, the anxiety
not only doesn't calm down, it escalates. PAS parents are psychologically
fragile. When things are going their
way, they can hold themselves together. When they are threatened however,
they can become fiercely entrenched in preserving what they see is rightfully
theirs.
Fortunately
only a small percentage end up in this level of conflict.
Why do PAS
parents act like they do?
I believe that PAS parents have become stuck in the first stage of child
development, where survival skills are learned.
To them, having total
control over their child is a life and death matter. Because they don't
understand how to please other people, any effort to do so always has
strings attached. They don't give; they only know how to take. They
don't play by the rules and are not likely to obey a court order.
Descriptions that are commonly used to describe severe cases of PAS
are that the alienating parent is unable to "individuate"
(a psychological term used when the person is unable to see the child
as a separate human being from him or herself). They are often described
as being "overly involved with the child" or
"enmeshed".
The parent may be diagnosed as narcissistic (self-centered), where
they presume that they have a special entitlement to whatever they want.
They think that there are rules in life, but only for other people,
not for them.
Also, they may be called a sociopath, which means a person who has no
moral conscience. These are people who are unable to have empathy or
compassion for others. They are unable to see a situation from another
person's point of view, especially their child's point of view. They
don't distinguish between telling the truth and lying in the way that
others do.
In spite of admonitions from judges and mental health professionals
to stop their alienation, they can't. The prognosis for severely alienating
parents is very poor. It is unlikely that they are able to "get it."
It is also unlikely that they will ever stop trying to perpetuate the
alienation. This is a gut wrenching survival issue to them.
How
does the child get involved in PAS?
The targeted parent needs to
understand what has happened to what as once an affectionate and loving
child who is now unexplainably hostile. Remember Gardner's definition
stated earlier, "the disorder wasn't only brainwashing or
programming by a parent, but was confounded by what he calls self-created
contributions by the child in support of the alienating parent's
campaign of denigration against the targeted parent." It
isn't PAS in the severe form of this disorder, unless the child has
crossed over and joined up with the alienating parent. The child shares
the alienating parent's psychosis. How does this happen?
At birth, children are totally reliant on a parent, usually the mother,
for having all of their needs met. It is part of normal child development
to be enmeshed with their primary caregiver, and very young children
do not have a separate identity from this caregiver.
One of the mother's roles is to help the child develop as a separate person, therefore,
infancy and childhood become a series of tasks of learning how to become
independent. For example, learning to putting oneself back to sleep,
eating, toilet training and caring for one's hygiene.
Instead of promoting
this independence, the alienating parent encourages continued dependence.
The parent may insist on sleeping with the child, feeding the child
("It's easier if I do it"), and taking care of these rites
of passage longer than normal child development calls for. This "spoiling"
may not feel right to the child, but they do not have enough ego strength
to do anything about it.
A PAS mother can't imagine that the father is capable of planning the
child's time while in his care. Therefore, she arranges several things
for the child to do while at the father's house. One of the most common
ways of doing this is to sign the child up for on-going lessons without
permission from the father.
The parent may even decree whom the child
can and cannot see, particularly specific members of the child's extended
family on the father's side. The mother desperately wants control over
the time when the child isn't with her.
One of the most unusual situations
that I ran into was the father who picked up his sons at 9:00 a.m. on
a Saturday for the weekend. He discovered that his very excited boys
had their hearts set on going to Disneyland for the day, when this idea
had never crossed his mind.
One theory about why a mother will act this way is that when a father
takes his share of joint custody, it is like asking her to give away
part of her body. One mother said, "He is going to remove my right
arm and take it for the weekend." It feels like the mother has
lost a profound part of who she is as a person. She feels fractured,
pulled apart.
Why is PAS a
double bind for the child?
When children spend time with the father, and enjoy it, they are put
into a double bind. Clearly, they cannot tell the mother that dad treats
them well or that they had fun together. They want to bond with the
father, but don't dare. They figure out on which side the bread is buttered
(who has the power), and their survival needs tug at them. Therefore,
children will tell the mother about everything they didn't enjoy about
time spent with the father, which will add to her belief that they don't
like to be with him. These children feel that they must protect the
mother. The same is true when the alienator is the father. The child
will avoid expressing their affectionate feelings for the mother to
him.
Family
volitility
These are volatile families. The father may have indeed spanked a child,
or lashed out at the mother physically or emotionally. An isolated incidence
can turn into a holocaust. One father spanked his rebellious child and
ended up in jail on child abuse charges, followed by a six week trial
to determine his guilt. The jury returned with a not guilty verdict
in 20 minutes. The verdict didn't end it as far as the mother was concerned,
however.
The alienating parent's hatred can have no bounds. The severest form
will bring out every horrible allegation known, including claims of
domestic violence, stalking and the sexual molestation of the child.
Many fathers say that there have been repeated calls to the Department
of Family and Child Services alleging child abuse and neglect.
In most
cases the investigators report that they found nothing wrong. However,
the indoctrinating parent feels that these reports are not fabrications,
but very, very real. She can describe the horror of what happen in great
detail. Regardless of the actual truth, in her mind, it did happen.
Most of the alienated fathers that I work with are continually befuddled
by her lying. "How can she lie like that?" They don't realize
that these lies are not based on rational thinking. They are incapable
of understanding the difference between what is true and what they want
to be true. A vital part of fighting PAS is to understand the severity
of the psychological disturbance that is the source of it.
Intergenerational
patterns
What makes this problem very complicated is that PAS is often intergenerational
in dysfunctional families. Almost always the alienator has people within
the family who support the alienation. It might be the mother, father
or grandparent who encourage fighting. They are likely to support the
parent financially or even provide massive amounts of money to
fund litigation. This is further proof to the PAS parent that he or she is
justified in what he/she does.
When
a child is placed in the role of the parent's therapist
Alienation advances even further when the alienating parent uses the child as a personal
therapist. The child is told about every miserable experience and negative
feeling about the alienated parent with great specificity. The child,
who is already enmeshed with the parent because his or her own identity
is still undefined, easily absorbs the parent's negativity. They become
aligned with this parent and feel that they need to be the protector
of the alienating parent.
What
happens to the child when you can't stop PAS?
Obviously, without anyone to stop the alienation from progressing, the
child will become estranged from the alienated parent. The relationship
with this parent will eventually be severed. It is doubtful that, without
psychological intervention as the child grows, he or she will ever understand
what happened.
The child's primary role model will be the maladaptive,
dysfunctional parent. He or she will not have the benefit of growing
up with the most well-adjusted parent and all that this parent can contribute
to enrich the child's life. Many of these children come to experience serious
psychiatric problems.
Will they ever grow up and realize what happened to them? Without someone
who can recognize the syndrome and counsel them about it, it isn't likely
that they will ever figure it out. However, there have been exceptions
where the child and the alienated parent have been successfully reunified
later in life.
How can good intentions backfire?
Those people who are typically called upon to handle such difficult
situations, such as the police, social workers, attorneys or psychologists
assume that what the frightened mother is saying is true. These things
DO happen. There are men who are seriously disturbed, violent, out of
control sexually, and stalk, who are rightfully feared. The mother is
very convincing in her desperation and vivid in her descriptions. The
clincher is that the alienated child collaborates with the mother by
saying, "Yes, I am afraid of my father." "Yes, my father
did touch me down there." "Yes, he does beat me." What
would you do if you were faced with having to decide how to protect
a child in such a situation?
Therapists
Some therapists don't realize the severity
and depth of the problem. In fact, they may unwittingly side with the alienating
parent and even testify in court that the child
is afraid of the alienated parent. This can be a serious stumbling block in getting
an accurate diagnosis. Indeed, it can tip the scale into the alienating
parent's agenda and do real damage.
Our courts, social services and mental health workers are all committed
to stop child abuse and neglect when they see it occurring.
Unfortunately, in PAS situations a dramatic and loud complaint from the
alienating parent often ends up being acted upon without an investigation as to the accuracy of the allegation.
This frequently removes the alienated parent from the children and allows the alienating parent considerable
additional time to proceed with
the alienation.
By the time all of the evaluations are in place and
the case is heard by the court, considerable damage has been done to
the child. It is an irony that the very people we turn to for help in
such a difficult situation can often be those who most contribute to
allowing the on-going abuse and neglect of the child to continue.
What
can be done about the problem?
First, it takes a sophisticated mental health professional to be able
to identify that PAS is occurring. Most forensic evaluators such as
psychiatrists and clinical psychologists have studied
the disorder and are able to recognize it.
Forensic evaluators diagnose PAS by having the parents take a battery of psychological tests, doing
a detailed case history and by observation. They make recommendations
as to what to do. After the evaluator has written a report on the family
and made recommendations, nothing will happen to resolve the crisis
without court intervention.
The alienated parent has to take the report to a judge who must then
be convinced that the child is being alienated and that it is not in
their best interest to stay in such an environment.
It is rare however that judges
have any degree of mental health training. They most often learn about
PAS from the bench. It usually takes several trips to court to point
out how badly a child is being treated before a judge is willing to
act.
How
are PAS cases resolved legally?
Judges are inevitably conservative in their orders. Even when the evidence
is overwhelming that the alienation is occurring, the court order may
still end up saying, "the parents are to make joint decisions about
the child's welfare," when this is impossible to do.
This is further
evidence that the judge doesn't understand the magnitude of the problem.
The judge in one of the most severe PAS cases I worked on was from the
old school. He was tired of having the litigants continue to appear
before him. One day he said, "Why don't the two of you go out in
the hallway and kiss and make up." This is an example of how frustrating
these cases are for judges. Indeed, these are the hardest cases to decide.
Judges have been slow to place serious sanctions on the alienating parent.
If there is no threat of severe fines, jail time or sole custody to
the targeted parent, the chances are remote that the out-of-control
parent can be stopped.
It usually takes a dramatic situation where court orders are broken
to force the court to change primary custody. Often it is only a matter
of time before alienating parents become desperate and their unstable
mental health gets the better of them. People in an official position
start to recognize the alienating parent as being out of line, and become
supportive of the targeted parent.
In one case, the 9 and 4 year old daughters were abducted and presumed
to be on their way to Australia through an underground group that hides
women who are victims of domestic violence, often of a sexual nature
and where the father is stalking. The girls were missing for 3 months
and found in another county where they were waiting for final arrangements
to be made before their departure. When the police broke into the house
at 3:00 a.m., they found the girls sleeping with their mother. They
had been given boy's names, clothes, haircuts and their hair was dyed.
They were not allowed contact with anyone outside of their hiding place,
not even to go to school. The oldest child had strep throat and the youngest
was seriously withdrawn.
In another case, the mother could no longer convince the social workers,
the police or the Court about her allegations. She was known to be unstable
because she had "cried wolf" too many times. She abducted her daughter
to Utah. She told officials there that the courts where she lived were
protecting a proven child molester. The press was called. After she
was interviewed; there was a virtual feeding frenzy as the father's
photograph and the story was on all the local news networks.
A big part
of the problem was that the seven year old girl, said "Yes"
when asked if her father had molested her. Even though this had already
been disproved by forensic evaluators, she was still confused.
Can the
alienation of children be reversed?
As children get older, the alienation can be reversed with proper psychological
care. However, it won't work if the alienating parent is not contained.
In the last case described above, the mother had severely limited visiting
rights. She had remarried and had a new child, however, she still regularly
calls the police to report the father for abuse. Presently, the daughter
resides with her father, receives weekly therapy and hates the police.
She gradually understands how disturbed her mother is.
In the former case, where the mother was kidnapping the children, she
now sees them two hours a month at the Department of Children's Services
with a social worker present to monitor everything that she says and
does. The girls have also been in extensive therapy and are doing well.
Since this is among the most severe kinds of abuse of a child's emotions,
there will be scars and lost opportunities for normal development. The
child is at risk of growing up and being an alienator also, since the
alienating parent has been the primary role model.
What is the
best way to deal with PAS?
The parents I know who were successful in getting primary custody
of their children in a PAS situation shared the following
characteristics:
Conclusion
PAS cases are notoriously difficult to figure out, even for professionals
in the field of divorce.
Once the syndrome is discovered, it is even
harder for the professionals to figure out what to do about it.
It is important for alienated parents to be
supported by compassionate people while going through this
difficult time.
PAS is never easy, but there is
plenty of hope for those who take the high road and follow what
worked for other PAS parents as shown above.
Jayne Major, Ph.D.
Take The Following Actions Now
If You Are In A PAS Case:
PAS Action #1: Complete a comprehensive parenting
course such as Breakthrough Parenting, and stick with it until you
rate excellent in the knowledge, skills and methods taught. Your
parenting skills will become superior, which is what you need to be able to deal with the challenges of alienation.
The Breakthrough Parenting 2-page personal Letter of Completion also helps give the
judge, as well as all family professionals involved, confidence that
you are able to support your children effectively in the new, more stressful situation of a divided family.
This is especially important if you have already been falsely
accused of being a "clueless" or even "dangerous" parent.
If local classes are not available in
your area, or if you have to complete a comprehensive course in less than
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really works even in difficult PAS situations, and parents love it.
When you have finished your workbook and sent it in to us, we set up
a Review and Coaching Session with you over the phone. On completion, we send you
a 2-page detailed Letter of Completion that we guarantee
will be accepted by any Family Court in the U.S. or Canada, or you get a
100% refund of what you paid!
In a PAS case, the Breakthrough Parenting Advanced Parenting Program is also vital for properly preparing you
for a Custody Evaluation. If you don't speak the language family
professionals use, and you don't acquire some new, higher skills for
this new situation, you can easily end up with a negative evaluation, resulting
in limited supervised visitation instead of what could have been full
custody. Yes, the difference can be that great.
PAS Action #2: Provide the court with a
"comprehensive parenting plan" that shows how the child will be well
taken care of in
your
care. Most parenting plans are not comprehensive enough, which
in PAS cases ends up costing thousands of dollars in legal fees, not to
mention months or years of unnecessary aggravation.
PAS Action #3: Keep a diary or journal of key events, describing what happened and when.
For this key PAS action, you'll find everything you need to
know in the Creating A Successful Parenting Plan book and CD-ROM.
These super-clear materials show you how to quickly create what is legally called "a
comprehensive parenting plan," and it explains the meaning of the many
important choices you have to make, choices that are uniquely personal.
Getting your understanding through this material is much more efficient than having
your family lawyer explain it one hour at a time.
The template on the Companion CD-ROM allows you to
very quickly build your own plan on your computer (PC or Mac),
in a format that is ready to present to your
family lawyer for review, or to file with the court if you are
forced to represent yourself (unfortunately common in PAS cases).
With this material, you will have a maximally complete plan
upfront.
In a hostile PAS case, this can save you a lot of money, as the other parent is often continuously looking for
ways to make trouble. Many parents just put into the plan what they can think of at the beginning, plus what
their lawyers suggest to add at that time, which is only what they know about in your family situation.
Then six months later the other parent
says, "You didn't put in anything about xxx!" and the judge is forced to call the parties
in again, usually at a cost of
$3,000-$6,000 in legal fees, and that's each time.
Many PAS parents end up financially devastated by this. After a while they are unable to defend
themselves in court, and they lose custody of their children.
If, on the other hand, the parenting plan is truly comprehensive from
the beginning, it will be very difficult or even impossible for the
other parent to claim that anything was missed up front.
Family court judges have to deal with omissions, but they
do not care much for requests for changes for change's sake.
The Creating A Successful Parenting Plan book also describes how to
document everything that happens in a way that it can be used effectively for your PAS case.
The PAS Special Package
The quickest way to get everything you need to deal with parental alienation effectively is to order the famous PAS Special Package.
It is a complete package at a substantial discount over getting the parts separately, and contains the following:
1. How To Stop Parental Alienation: A Handbook for Parents and Family Professionals
Written by Bjorn Ahlen, Co-Founder of Breakthrough Parenting, this is a handbook for dealing with PAS.
It is not an analysis of PAS and its causes, but solid,
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This Handbook can save you many thousands of dollars in
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It helps you quickly show the judge that you are the serious parent who
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be very specific about what you are asking for, and finally allows you
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What this package does for you:
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When parents use everyday language to describe the PAS
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reason.
- You will be able to understand the psychological problems involved in PAS cases, and you will learn how to
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- You will quickly understand all the choices you have to make in what is legally called a "comprehensive parenting plan."
- You will learn how to use a parenting plan to protect yourself from foreseeable future legal expenses
if your ex should become unhappy after your divorce is finalized,
whether it's 3 months later, or 6 months, 9 months, or a year
or more. This is a very common source of great expense in PAS cases.
- You will find everything explained with exceptional clarity, and many real-life examples from families we have helped (only the names have been changed).
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